THERE’S NO PARTY LIKE A DOWNING STREET PARTY: The government has proposed an elegant solution to the mystery of the phantom Number Ten parties. Like a bloodhound on the scent, the phenomenal Dido Harding has been assigned to Track and Trace every single illicit party goer.
It’s going to take time. A whole lot of precious time. It’s going to take money and time to do it right. A detective fund has been set up to enable this vital work to commence. The first purchase from this modest sum of £37bn is, of course, an obsolete Excel spreadsheet.
“Finding a piece of heritage software that actually works is difficult,” explained sacrificial lamb Allegra Austin. “Finding one that doesn’t work is even harder. It is essential that this vital piece of kit is in place before we fire up the good old ZX81. It takes a week to load the program from the old cassette tape, that’s if someone hasn’t recorded Wham’s Greatest Hits over the top of it again.”
There is a great deal of work that must be done. First, Harding and her family must obtain mansions in the countryside for herself and every member of her family. Then consultants must be called in to state the bleedin’ obvious for an eye-watering fee. Finally, after many “business meetings” with cheese and wine and music and party games, the work may be contracted out.
“Within a few years, we may be in a position to requisition the police logs detailing who was in and out of Number Ten on the relevant dates,” said Austin. “These names will be entered on the spreadsheet and cross-referenced with the famous Taboo List of non-prosecutable individuals. Ultimately, if someone who was present, not on the Taboo List, and no longer living is discovered, then they will be scapegoated and the matter closed. This is normal government procedure, and anyone who questions it will have their citizenship removed.”
With Harding’s track record, what could possibly go wrong?