TOUGH ON DRUGS, TOUGH ON THE CAUSES OF DRUGS: Some members of the Houses of Parliament are getting worried. New legislation to remove passports from drug abusers is being proposed just as some of the country’s most prominent abusers are readying themselves for a Christmas holiday abroad.
But nothing will stand in the way of Boris Johnson’s seasonal jolly in the sun. The Westminster rumour mill suggests that Johnson will refuse to hand over any of his passports should any accusation stick.
There is an additional safeguard in the pipeline. In future, any law that Johnson and his cronies don’t like will simply be removed.
“What the PM wants, the PM gets,” explained Number Ten lackey Carrie Thecan. “He regards it as a perk of the job. In his own words, ‘Yes, well, no, erm, erm, flim flam, bibble bobble, wiff waff, indeed, jolly good!'”
Well. You can’t argue with that.
Thecan explained what this week’s rules mean for the rest of us.
“Obviously, if you have ever touched drugs, then expect a visit from the Plod,” she said. “This country will not tolerate law breakers, and the only way to get your passport back is to join the Conservative Party, and donate at least £3m to the Ministerial Holiday Fund.”
So there’s a price list.
“£3m for a single incident, £10m for a year, £37bn for permanent immunity,” said Thecan. “Bargain if you ask me. Alternatively there’s a Sponsor An MP Scheme. Simply cover their expenses and mum’s the word!”
It’s an absolute steal, unless you are sponsoring the likes of Michael “Bloke with the Coke” Gove.
Never mind County Lines, which are bad because small time crooks use them. Westminster Lines are making sure that our overstressed leader can unwind over Christmas.
So you can stick that in your pipe and smoke it.