“Police can’t investigate when witnesses were so high no one can remember a thing” – Raab

IS IT A BIRD IS IT A WAIT WHAT WOW MAN : THE JUSTICE SECRETARY DOMINIC RAAB has moved to flesh out his incisive comments about the way law and order works in the United Kingdom under Boris Johnson and his cartel.

He reassured everyone (who works in crime and the government) over the weekend when he revealed that the Police do not investigate crimes that are a year old.

“It’s basically just a waiting game,” Mr Raab impressed. “If you can keep the loot hidden for a year or the body buried in the backyard for 365 days you are home and hosed. The police will not get involved after a year. They just lose all interest. It’s the way their minds work.”

And it’s not just high crimes and misdemeanours, little things like lockdown rule breaking Christmas parties are also out of bounds once enough time has passed.

“You can basically do anything if you can keep ahead of the cops for a year,” he reiterated. “Say hundreds of people are dying alone and terrified daily, drowning in their deteriorating lungs because whoever was supposed to be coordinating the response to a pandemic could not be bothered to put up with rabid Tory backbenchers bitching about having to wear a face mask in Harrods? Well if you decide to throw a Christmas party as a reaction to that and break the law, just don’t let anyone find out for a year and you’re invincible. The long arm of the law gets shorter every day that passes.”

And it’s not just the passage of time that sees lawbreakers getting away with it.

“The heavy cocaine use in Westminster is another way to ensure you can’t be held to account,” Mr Raab added. “The police get bored senseless if you were too high to remember the details of your crimes. Jamming several grams of high quality white powder up your nose daily is a get out of jail free card.”

When pressed if the use of nose garbage bestowed the same degree of protection Mr Raab looked puzzled and replied, “I think that’s a matter for trading standards.”

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