BREAKING : Government to change dictionary definition of corruption to mean honour

WELCOME TO THE MINISTRY OF TRUTH: The government has abandoned yet another parliamentary principle. This time the rule they have smashed apart is “never go full Orwell”. 

“War is peace. Freedom is slavery. Ignorance is strength.” And now these delicious statements are joined by “Corruption is honour”. 

In a time of deceit telling the truth is a revolutionary act. This latest statement, being both (internal) truth and (external) deceit, makes it a paradoxical tautology on a par with Brexit Means Brexit. 

For there is hardly an influential Conservative MP without fingers in many pies. Our right honourable friends are as corrupt as shit. Picture the covid crisis, for example. Watch as £37bn is spent, on apparently very little, right under the watchful eyes of the Clandestine Anti-Corruption Commander, who failed to notice his wife creaming off exorbitant sums of public money. Rejoice as Matt’s Mates are given squillions, ostensibly to obtain PPE but in fact to splash out on mansions. Cheer the well connected company which took government money to buy overpriced equipment which was never used, and instead stored it in its own facility, charging £1m per day for storage. 

All part of the loyal, patriotic, honorable business of diverting public money into private hands. 

Then let’s consider the entirely honourable business of paying MPs for favours. Owen Paterson was forced to resign not because he was “corrupt”, but did the dishonourable thing of being found out. 

There is no need to mention the fact that £3m is the going rate for a peerage these days. 

By simply redefining what woke lefties call corruption as honour, so many obstacles are removed from the path to Brexit nirvana. 

There is nothing wrong with using money and influence to gain more money and influence. This is why such business must be conducted using burner phones, which may then be “lost”, “broken”, or “given away”, according to the Lord Bethell List of Plausible Excuses. 

After all, what the eye does not see, the heart does not grieve over. 

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