WHAT’S THE SOUND OF ONE TURD SPLASHING : The UK’s Prime Minister Boris Johnson is to take time out from his busy schedule napping this weekend to lead a clap for one of Britain’s most famous parliamentarians.
The decision to spend some time “awake” has not been taken lightly and rumours suggest it is against both Mr Johnson’s alleged handler’s advice and his medical specialists.
“It’s very dangerous for the Prime Minister to be awake at all over the next 48hours,” a leaked paper presumed to be from Mr Johnson’s doctor reads. “There is the real chance of reality temporarily intruding into the carefully crafted fantasy life that Boris has constructed. The harm could be significant.”
If reality is able to “get involved” with Mr Johnson’s perception of the world around him he will need to complete a full course of Pomerol AOC “Château Petrus” 1985. Although finding donors prepared to “pay for the Prime Minister’s arts and crafts supplies is becoming increasingly problematic”.
It is hoped that once awareness of the “personal sacrifice” made by Mr Johnson, when he spends time “conscious” either Saturday or Sunday, becomes public knowledge that a poll bump will follow.
“Owen’s contribution to public life needs acknowledging,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “Few people who could have taken the lightest slaps on the wrist and then carried on as before are prepared to allow themselves to be used publicly in an attempt to destroy the last vestiges of accountability in our political system.”
The only potential risk for Mr Johnson clapping in public is thought to lie in the possibility of him taking the course of Pomerol before he tries to put both hands together and make an “audible sound”.
Puppet masters will be on hand to control the strings attached to this wrists during the event. That has been described though as “just business as usual”.