BUILD BACK BACKSCRATCHERS : Some junior minister no one has heard of is celebrating across social media today after successfully lobbying for a reduction in the price of ivory backscratchers.
It’s believed the cause gained the attention of Prime Minister Boris Johnson who saw it as the perfect “troll of world leaders ahead of the Glasgow Climate Change conference”. It has the added advantage of “winding up [the current] Mrs Johnson” whose pretence to environmentalism is taking flak, given her choice of partner.
Trolling the domestic population has long been a source of deep pleasure for Mr Johnson and his supporters, and now thanks to Brexit, they’ve gone international. You can expect a tour de force of shabby dressing, shambolic walking and Benny Hill themed leering from our highest elected official in the coming days. That’ll show up the girly swots of international power!
“The slashing of sales tax on ivory backscratchers will have the woke foaming at the mouth,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “It should keep all the endless corruption stories off the front pages. But even if it doesn’t who cares? This shows the hoi polloi who’s in power and who has to take it on the chin.”
The choice of ivory is thought to be exceptionally clever too, being a trigger for the bunny huggers.
“We’re going to set up an endangered animal bank which Tory MPs can donate to,” the source adds. “But access will be means tested. Not just anyone will be able to rock up and take home some rhino horn or an elephant foot stool. Maybe a stuffed wolf? There is sure to be something there for everyone. Each community bank will be easily recognised by the green archway over its entrance.”
You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours – the very essence of Tory governance. But let’s try and do it in style.