RED TURD ALERT : Downing Street is facing criticism that it’s on the path to creating a nanny state worthy of Brussels today after it announced a “traffic light” warning system for Great British beaches.
“Operation : Discharge has been established to give Great British bathers the information they need to bathe responsibly,” a 10 Downing Street spokesman told LCD Views. “The easy to understand green, amber and red light symbols will allow you to use your personal responsibility to avoid discharged turds while swimming in the Great British sea. If you see a Red light at Dover simply drive to Newlyn and swim there. It couldn’t be simpler. The fact that a friend of the Johnson’s is being paid £250m to draw it with crayons is neither here nor there. They’re the best person for the jobbie.”
But internal Tory Party critics of the system have said it is entirely unnecessary and is simply an act of gesture politics which is “splashing taxpayer’s money up the sea wall when it should be transferred to the Cayman Islands.”
“Swimming in our effluent was a traditional family event prior to the EU tyranny,” a Sewage Research Group spokesman told LCD Views. “Warning British beach goers of the risk of contracting cholera will do untold damage to the tourism industry. We won’t stand for it. We’re going to sit in protest on Scarborough Beach and plop some fresh ones out in protest.”