MAKING UP THE NUMBERS: The infamous pledge to build 40 new hospitals will now be fulfilled outside many overworked hospitals. Thanks to new counting schemes, an ambulance waiting to admit an emergency patient now counts as a new hospital.
“We have delivered on our promise!” claimed Bad Health Secretary Sajid Javid. The illumination from his lightbulb moment reflected in many directions, his perfectly shiny scalp acting like a glitter ball. He looked left and right, and his audience started to dance spontaneously.” Think about it!” he continued, to a thumping electronic beat, the crowd now openly popping pills. “Every ambulance is fully equipped for an emergency! It’s a hospital on wheels! Givin’ me the feels baby! Yeah!”
Not exactly Top Ten material, but the ravers, high on sovereignty and dubious substances, didn’t care. “Give us another choon, DJ The Saj!” they cried.
Javid shook his glittering head again. “Don’t take a chance, you won’t catch covid in an ambulance!” he rapped, his skills as acute as an antivaxxer’s grasp of conventional science. “Do the hospital dance, while I take up the power stance!” He stood with his feet as far apart as his immaculately tailored suit trousers would allow, and raised his hands to the skies. The room went crazy.
“Put your hands in the air, to show that you care! I’m wearing my ‘CARE’ badge, because I’m DJ The Saj!”
Impartial BBC propagandist Cora Lunesberg was seen high-fiving disgraced serial shagger Matt Hancock.
“No need to guess, just say yes!” Javid continued. “Let’s take back control of the NHS! Come big pharma, like a snake charmer, so don’t you listen to big bad Sir Keir Starmer!”
Off their tits on freedom and independence, free from EU restrictions on illegal substances, the crowd had completely lost control. They partied into the night while Javid slunk away, his work done.
It’s a rap.