LET THE CRISES PILE HIGH: As one self imposed crisis follows another, the government has revealed its new crisis management plan. This time, special advisers have gone straight to the top and adapted one of Boris Johnson’s most famous principles.
Codenamed “Dr Dolittle”, the plan is less talking to the animals and more doing very little. The minister responsible let slip that, in brief, the plan amounts to “f*ck crises”.
“Our plan is simple and highly effective,” claimed Disaster Mismanagement minister Letty Tappen. “My job is to de-escalate any crisis by promising decisive action in the near future, before moving on to the next crisis.”
Ministers have worked night and day to come up with a Crisis Management Plan. Careful examination of this mighty document revealed that most of it had been copied and pasted from the Articles of Association of a pizza delivery chain.
There were, however, several pages of seemingly original waffle. Under a paragraph of meaningless drivel, came the following list:
- Face the public
- Use dramatic language
- Calm the situation
- Keep a sympathetic manner
- “Carry on as normal”
- “Robust action will be taken”
- “I will do my very best”
- “Sometimes tough decisions are needed”
- “Everyone must take personal responsibility”
- Say it all again
“Acronym means acronym,” explained Tappen. “Our government’s care and attention to detail run like a golden thread through this document. We are also considering the manufacture and distribution of a badge reading ‘Crisis’ to anyone directly affected.”
If you can find a manufacturer and a distributor, that is, during a manufacturing and distribution crisis.
“There is no crisis,” said Tappen soothingly. “And even if there was one, there wouldn’t be one, because ‘There is no crisis’ is the first rule of government. And even if there was a crisis so big even we couldn’t ignore it, then there would be very little we could do. Everything will settle down again in a couple of days, so let’s ignore the scaremongering in the press and the endless complaints from remoaners. F*ck crises, we’ve got a country to milk for all it’s worth!”
It would be more productive to talk to the animals, to be fair.