A PROBLEM SHARED : Downing Street have solved the niggling post Brexit teething problem of a shortage of qualified labour in the haulage industry. As of midnight today all foreign born UK residents will automatically qualify to drive heavy goods vehicles.
The decision to pass them all at once is said to be a “masterstroke” of Prime Minister Boris Johnson in between the “sixth and seventh courses” at dinner last night, but “before the sorbet, which he finds as boring as falling life expectancy under his watch”.
What the new drivers will feel about their sudden qualifications isn’t clear. However both Brexiters and Lexiters expect the hoovering of labour from one sector to another of the economy during a sudden “economic shock and systemic crisis caused by wilful pursuit of ideology with no reference to reality or the holistic nature of society” will be a complete success. No one can expect inflation to hammer UC recipients as a result.
“To assist with the transition from whatever they were doing till today the Home Office is working with the Department of Transport to help,” a 10 Downing Street spokesman told LCD Views. “By way of Henry VIII powers we have passed a new law criminalising anyone who can talk foreign who doesn’t immediately turn up for work with their new Class 1 licence.”
Age is not thought to be a deterrent, either youth or old age, as “you’re just sitting in a bally cab letting the truck do most of the work anyway”, according to the Prime Minister.
Once the pilot scheme has proved a complete success it will be rolled out to other areas of the economy which are also experiencing shortages.
“Javid is especially eager to use the new system to solve the NHS workforce shortfalls. He saw a child with a toy stethoscope the other day and believed he was a doctor. It won’t be long before this is actually true.”
The one exception will be wealthy Tory donors who were born overseas as they will “be given peerages so long as the money keeps flowing into the Tory Party coffers.”
The decision to gift the licences out does also mean that the Prime Minister himself is now instantly qualified to drive a HGV.
“Mr Johnson is looking forward to getting into the cab of a giant truck and driving it back and forth over whatever is left of the economy. Once Brexit is finished with it.”