GRIN WHEN YOU’RE WINNING : DOWNING STREET has shown just how serious it is today about cutting up all that smothering EU red tape by legalising punching yourself in the face.
The decision to make “battering yourself silly in public” legal was taken to give British voters a way to show everyone exactly what Brexit means.
“It won’t just be punching yourself in the face,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “British subjects can also hit themselves in the head with sticks. Impress their neighbours by kicking themselves in the nuts, if they have them, or just the general area if they don’t, we’re still working out the finer details. But have at it! Go totally Brexit on yourself.”
Supporters of the Johnson government have welcomed the new law as “long overdue” and simply decriminalising an activity that has become a national past time since the 24/06/16.
“You won’t see the weak willed Continentals publicly giving themselves black eyes,” the source enthused. “This law is based in British values and tells everyone exactly who we now are.”
Responding for the EU though a spokesman just sighed and said “It’s been obvious what you’re doing the whole time”.
“Watch Johnny Foreigner run from our borders now!” the Downing Street source added. “They don’t want the dry cleaning bills you get standing next to a patriotic denizen of this sceptred isle. We’re the best! We’re world leading at hitting ourselves in the head! Now. Watch me curl my fist up and knock my lights out while shouting about the German Automakers!”