101 DUMBNATIONS : Great news today for bleeding hearts after Priti Patel was confirmed as keeping her job in Boris Johnson’s “underwhelming” reshuffle.
There had been speculation the energetic Home Secretary would be replaced, but that was only by people who temporarily forgot that Boris Johnson doesn’t care about the ministerial code, workplace bullying and the rule of law. Silly people.
Ms Patel has made a deep impression since her career was revived by Mr Johnson after Ms Patel broke the ministerial code by running a secret foreign policy agenda, and she would have been driven out of politics if the Conservatives cared about anything other than tax havens.
Granted the deep impression made is confined to eroding trust in Westminster governance across the four nations of the U.K. and the physical impressions of people protesting peacefully into the dirt.
It’s rumoured there was a brief discussion between the PM and the HS in which Ms Patel thanked Mr Johnson for his ongoing confidence and promised to “build a 100ft high piñata of a war refugee at Dover and beat it with sticks”.
While some big names did return to the back benches in the day of the blunt knives, they have been replaced by equal, and perhaps greater, levels of vacuity and incompetence. The ship of state is steady on its course.
Ms Patel is due to address the Commons later and will deliver a speech in which she will say she “still has so much love to give” before bursting into an insane and threatening cackle lasting several hours.
Afterwards she will say how much she is looking forward to the winter food riots and “taking the stick to Universal Credit claimants with an enthusiasm last seen in the ‘eorgian period.”
Further celebrations will involve a synchronised display of jet ski racists in the English Channel as the first blows are struck at the refugee piñata.