MEAT AND TWO VEG : Visionary British Prime Minister Boris Johnson is reported to have had ENOUGH of the endless newspaper headlines about the worsening poverty stats in the U.K. and is going to act.
The deepening crisis of poverty has been a growing blot on the landscape of one of the world’s richest tax havens since 2010, with no one at all able to work out what changed in 2010 to cause it. Luckily for the U.K. it now has a PM with a plan.
Mr Johnson is said to have hit on the idea of a massive jobs programme for poor children after a dream in which he was a Georgian monarch saw him preside over full employment for the under 10’s.
“The second Channel Tunnel will put right what the first one put wrong,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “It will still head off towards Calais before making a sharp turn just before France and doubling back to England. Here it will become a tangled spaghetti with no end in sight.”
The scheme is expected to employ every “able child” that can be found and will provide an education that better “prepares the UK’s poverty wracked students for a bread and water future.”
The building project has won the backing of the Chancellor too. This will pour water into troubled oils after Rishi Sunak is said to have cancelled the planned bridge to Northern Ireland to keep Dominic Raab happy who it is reported is unable to understand how an area of the U.K. can be in the U.K. but not physically attached.
Bunting will be hung at the spot outside Dover where construction will begin and the theme music to Dambusters played as scurvy addled, rickets wracked youngsters pick up their shovels and hoes and break ground. Forget those fronted adverbials you’ve got rocks to break!
“It will be a boom time for both the hi vis and professional photography sectors of the U.K. economy,” the Downing Street source said. “During the projected 10 year construction period the PM will visit daily to pose in energetic and visionary positions as the emaciated poor of Tory Britain struggle to breathe in the lengthening tunnel.”
But it’s not just excellent use of a pool of idle and as yet untapped underprivileged workers. It’s also a finger in the eye of Brussels.
“The EU aren’t involved,” the source exalts. “They’ll have to deal with knowing we’re excavating the longest, deepest man made tunnel on Earth and it’s going to backtrack under our British backsides while they stand there fuming over child Labour labour laws. It’s a tangible victory for Brexit Britain which sits neatly on the shelf next to an empty pint glass with a crown on it.”