THEY DON’T LIKE IT UP THEM : The UK’s greatest unelected bureaucrat Lord Frost has decided to hit the EU WHERE IT HURTS today to teach them a lesson about their intransigence.
Utilising a full page spread in the official Conservative Party newspaper, The Telegraph, the PEER OF THE REALM told Brussels that all exports of English Sparkling Wine were now BANNED until they “REALISED THEY NEED US MORE THAN WE NEED THEM”.
The decision to target the ban on bubbles is thought to be based on the well known love of the FRENCH TO DRINK CHAMPAGNE.
“If they don’t watch it we will ban fried Mars Bars next, which will also be a warning shot to the Scots,” Lord Frost wrote. “I’ve half a mind to just deny the EU even exists until it realises that because I’M A LORD they have to do what I tell them to, just like the peasants at home.”
Brussels is yet to respond to the TOUGH NEW ACTION and is reported by British media to be in a “frenzy of laughter” to conceal their true feelings.
“Brussels needs to understand they will be forever negotiating and renegotiating Brexit so long as Boris Johnson is SUPREME LEADER in the United KINGDOM. They don’t even have kingdom in their name. How they hell do they expect to be treated as equals by a nimble SOVEREIGN POWER?”
Some domestic critics have queried though why Lord FROST employed the caps lock so frequently in a column that appears to be largely written for a DOMESTIC AUDIENCE.
“Our spies tell us some in Brussels can read ENGLISH,” a 10 Downing Street SOURCE told LCD VIEWS. “But we all know Johnny Foreigner is dashed awful at understanding the Queen’s language unless it is SHOUTED. This is the only OLIVE BRANCH they’re going to get.”
For his part the Prime Minister is said to be thrilled at Lord Frost’s latest toddler tantrum and hopes to hear from the White House again soon.
“He doesn’t care that Biden only has a staffer phone up to tell him to zip it. Any attention is better than no attention at all.”
Domestic consumers are not expected to increase their consumption of English Sparkling Wine to compensate for lost exports as there’s NO BLOODY TRUCK DRIVERS TO DELIVER IT to stores.