EVERY LITTLE HELPS : 10 Downing Street is now bored of the endless headlines about the supply side crisis and the social media posts of empty supermarket shelves, and they’re doing something about it.
“We’ve basically copied and pasted our work on HGV licences,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “We’re relaxing the rules on what is food. I mean, what is food really? It’s essentially a philosophical question. A existential question. A metaphorical question. A mystery. One of those. I’ll get Raab to answer it.”
The relaxation will make it easier for supermarkets to fill their shelves again.
“Say your local big Tesco gets a massive order of cat litter? Bingo! As much porridge as you want. Genius. That kindling you see for starting wood burners? You’d be surprised how soft small shards of wood become when you boil them for a long time. A really long time. Can’t find your favourite brand of tea? Have you thought about a burnt newspaper substitute? All it will really take is a little imagination and Global Britons will be filling their bellies with any old shit we find laying around.”
It’s not expected that there will be any negative consequences from the relaxation over food standards.
“No one will be getting an upset stomach. Don’t worry about that. The way things are going the Brexit tax rises will see you foraging for your meals and feeling right proud about it.”
Clearly dog food and cat food will be in high demand as sandwich fillers. Baby wipes as wraps. Cardboard will make excellent pasta sheets. There’s nothing to worry about.
“We should have a banquet on the White Cliffs of Dover and laugh at the Continent,” the source adds. “Clearly the Prime Minister won’t be in attendance. He has to wait in for that luxury food hamper the Tory donor sends him. But we’ll dredge up some nodding dog from the backbenches to go and celebrate it.”
Global Britain? Standards? What standards? Standards about food are for people who lack belief in food. Believe in food, just like people believed in Brexit.