SWINGS AND ROUNDABOUTS: We must pay more NI, the Crime Minister has announced. This is to compensate for losing NI to the naughty wicked EU.
There is no Magic Money Tree, as his predecessor would have claimed. Well there is, and it’s very useful for personal enrichment, but it never seems to work for the common good. So instead low earners must put their filthy hands in their unworthy pockets again, this time to bail out the failures of Brexit.
“NI for NI!” boasted Johnson at a press conference for the favoured few. Rapturous cheers erupted from the surrounding sycophants in the room. Johnson relaxed, as his ego swelled. “You don’t get something for nothing!” he bellowed, sounding like a cross between Margaret Thatcher and a social media troll. “NI must go up to save NI! There is no alternative!”
This was splendid stuff, but unfortunately he had nothing else concrete for his adoring fans.
“Erm, erm, erm, I say, yes, no, oh yes, NI for NI!” he waffled. “At least we have a plan, unlike the negligent Opposition who haven’t put a decent policy in place for eleven, yes my friends, eleven years!”
Funny that. But why must the poorest in society pay for the abject failure of Brexit to maintain the integrity of the United Kingdom?
“Yes, well, no, erm, erm, wiff waff,” Johnson replied convincingly, as the journalists swooned and giggled girlishly. “That’s not right, but even if it is, erm, yes, no, erm, we all benefit, and that’s the issue here.”
And will the people currently hiding untold billions in offshore accounts out of reach of the taxman be asked to contribute at all?
“Don’t be ridiculous!” said Johnson to spontaneous applause. “Only the little people pay taxes! NI! NI! NI!”
Like the Knights Who Say NI, he shambled off in search of a shrubbery.
Wanted: One Prime Minister, currently missing. Please check your fridge.