WELCOME TO HELL : Big hearted Home Secretary Priti Patel is stopping at nothing to ensure everyone knows the United Kingdom is now too toxic to seek refuge in. It is not enough to take policy leads from an ageing fascist standing on a beach shouting at waves, we really need to advertise to the world that Brexit Britain is a hell hole if we want to discourage people from fleeing airdrops of British munitions.
“British poo on British beaches is the perfect next step,” a Home Office source told LCD Views. “The Home Secretary herself is said to be planning to lay one in a water treatment plant and have it flushed straight out into the English Channel. There will be a BBC reporter covering the event and following excitedly as Nigel Farage scours the beach to stick a Union Flag in it. It’s going to showcase Brexit Britain to the world like never before.”
Whether or not the plan to ring the UK with floating turds will be successful in convincing the bloody French to keep refugees in bloody France remains to be seen, but it will at least mark a great shift away from the red tape that is throttling economic activity in the health obsessed EU.
“Dan the Clandestine Channel Threat Commander will be standing on the prow of his tug boat and peeing into the Channel too,” the HO source confirms. “We’re stopping at nothing to give Brexit Britain the deserved reputation of a really shit place that no one wants to visit. And importantly, none one can escape from. Unless they’re forrin of course.”
Celebrate today by laying one on the sandy shore of your choice. And watch the British waves carry it just out to sea before bringing it back again the Brexit way.