IT IS BETTER TO SAY NOTHING AND BE THOUGHT A FOOL: Especially if, like Boris Johnson, you have blagged yourself into a job in the public eye. Johnson is the Prime example of Great British Management Theory. This states, essentially, that the ability to sell yourself in a posh voice trumps expertise every time.
Johnson could have followed the example of Ronald Reagan, a second rate actor who did a second rate job of playing a second rate President. He was elected twice because he smiled in public and learned his lines.
Johnson doesn’t have the common sense or work ethic to do either task. So the only remaining viable option is to disappear from view.
“It worked for Michael Gove,” stated Number Ten spokes-stooge Hydon Seeke. “After his divorce was splashed all over the tabloids, he vanished without trace. His popularity ratings went through the roof! Boris is considering the same tactic.”
It’s not as if Johnson doesn’t have form. When a crisis approaches, he goes on holiday. When in an awkward situation, he disappears into the nearest refrigeration cabinet.
On every occasion, he spoils the effect by reappearing and saying stuff.
“It would be better if Boris never came out into the public eye ever again,” observed Seeke. “His inability to make sense, his uncontrolled lying, his insistence on talking about vaccines. There is no situation that could not be made worse by Boris simply being Boris. So this time we are going to put a lock on the fridge door.”
And if that doesn’t work, what’s the backup plan?
“Booze, drugs, totty, another long holiday. The usual,” said Seeke. “But this time he won’t be able to come home. Exile, I think, is the answer. And we will make sure that there is no internet this time!”
Never mind Churchill, this will be Johnson’s Napoleon moment. It won’t be the first time a scruffy overweight failed dictator who can’t tell his arse from his Elba has been permanently removed from public life for his own – and his country’s – good.