RISHI PRINCIPALITY : The U.K. Chancellor of the Exchequer Rishi Sunak has developed a reputation as being a bit too “emo” for the Conservative Party. What with his endless selfies and need to be noticed. He’s going to do something about it.
Stripping back Universal Credit is a good start. It says to the dead heart of the party that he can be down with causing mass suffering, deny responsibility and then laugh at that mass suffering as well as the next born to rule man. He may not have burnt a £50 note in front of a homeless person while a student, but great power allows him to go one better and preen himself before the upcoming leadership election.
“It’s the perfect time to remind the great unwashed that the Conservative Party thinks they’re dirt. Less than dirt. Not even silt. Just nothing. Don’t even think about them actually. Line up at the burgeoning food banks and read about Rishi’s new pool and tennis court. Ha! What do you think about your accident of birth now nerds? Well?”
While this goes to great lengths to show how life differs during Brexit and the pandemic, depending on your wealth, he may have to go even further to ensure he gets the votes when Boris Johnson is sacrificed on the altar of eternal power.
“We advise him to pencil the names of Universal Credit recipients on the walls of his new pool and on the tennis balls he’s going to smash about that court,” said Satan. “Just stick it to them. Rub it in. Mash it about. Give it some. Go for it. Laughing about the loss of £20 off UC? What even is that? He doesn’t carry change that small. A twenty? That’s what poor people spend at the pub when they should be buying food, isn’t it?”
The opening of the new Rishi pool will be a live streamed, champagne event. Rishi has made it. From humble beginnings he’s fought and clawed his way to the top and now he’s going to pay it back by worsening in work poverty.
“Raab can cut the ribbon and declare the inland sea of Rishi open! Then they can all jump in and splash about in their mankinis. It’s going to be a hoot.”