HOLDING BACK THE TIDE : Emergency Services have been placed on high alert today after the UK Foreign and Commonwealth Secretary, Dominic Raab, was reported as “approaching a coastal community with a pair of scissors in his hand”.
The risk of serious injury to the Brain of Britain is obvious, with some trauma experts anticipating “complete carnage” as soon as Mr Raab attempts to use the sharp bladed instrument. A team has been dispatched to catch Raab and swap the grown up scissors for the little ones that toddlers are allowed to run about with.
“The major difficulty in protecting Mr Raab from self-harm is locating him in the first place,” a member of the crash squad told LCD Views. “He is doing his own navigating. In theory he is heading to Carbis Bay, but he could be anywhere by now. He had a head start on his aides. We can’t even locate him by phone as he won’t answer the call. But also he always travels everywhere with it on aeroplane mode and he believes that makes the phone fly. Even going to lunch at work, on the days he does work, you hear him running along merrily down the corridor, holding his phone like a toy plane and making Spitfire noises. He’s such an innocent.”
Why Mr Raab has decided to place himself in harm’s way is obvious at least.
“He declared the sea closed and singlehandedly caused the biggest slump in the tourist industry on Crete since the start of the pandemic,” the source explains. “He’s got some Kremlin linked chap who owns a resort there incredibly cheesed off. He’s trying to make it right by reopening the sea.”
Emergency services have asked that the public be on the lookout for Mr Raab. Not necessarily just near the coast as he could be anywhere, given he’s navigating. He is described as “thick as two planks” and will be wearing a “surprised expression”.