GLOBALLY SHAMED : The UK’s Prime Minister Boris Johnson is said to be “snacking heavily” and “feeling a little bit drowsy” after staying up all night attempting to phone the Taliban.
It’s unreliably reported that at the time of going to print he’s been on hold waiting to talk to the leaders of the group and has been “for hours”. Although reassuringly the endurance test “didn’t stop him having his usual port and whiskey in the small hours”.
It seems after Mr Johnson failed to convince President Joe Biden to even talk to him about the situation in Afghanistan he decided to call the country’s temporary new rulers and talk to them directly.
“The PM figured he’d use his famous charm and sense of humour and win the Taliban over to his way of thinking,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “He even has a slogan ready to go – Get Evacuations Done. It’s a showstopper.”
It’s believed his staff did initially manage to connect him to the leader of the Taliban, who promptly asked him to call back on a premium rate phone number.
“Mr Johnson figured it was some kind of test of his sincerity and phoned back on the premium rate number,” the source explains. “Although he waited a few minutes so the Taliban would start to worry if he was never calling again. If they had blown their chance to get on his good side.”
But it seems when he did call back the phone was answered promptly by a staffer in Kabul who then asked him to “Hold please while I transfer your call”. Next there was some muffled background conversation and giggling, before waiting music started playing.
“Vivaldi’s Four Seasons is the waiting music. Mr Johnson is currently listening to autumn for the 10th time and waiting for the start of spring. He will make the breakthrough. He’s got his Alexander the Great gags all ready and waiting to go.”
The per minute cost of the call hasn’t been revealed, although like all of Mr Johnson’s choices it is likely to run into the millions and the taxpayer will foot it.
“If Churchill was alive today he’d do exactly the same,” the source adds, “Boris keeps saying it. Although unlike Churchill, Boris Johnson is an idiot.”