TEAM WORK MAKES THE DREAM WORK : The British Prime Minister is as famous for standing by his friends as he is for his Scottish, Cornish, Caribbean, Canadian and Italian holidays, and he’s not going to leave Foreign and Commonwealth Secretary Dominic Raab out to dry.
“Dom has enough on his hands just dealing with global matters,” a 10 Downing Street source says. “When Raab first entered the Foreign Office he found a giant globe of the Earth in the foyer. He’s still searching it for the corners. He’s heard there are four. He can’t even find one. It’s really taxing. He needs his time off to recharge and continue his personal mission.”
Recent time off coincided with international crisis as Raab was waiting by the sea in Crete at a £6,000 a night villa, waiting for the sea to open. That’s what Raab said. And then the Taliban just took over pretty much all of Afghanistan. Just like that.
“No one saw it coming. Except for various foreign governments who’ve been evacuating people for weeks,” the source says. “Dom was given briefs but he couldn’t work out how to wear them. There wasn’t even a YouTube instruction video.”
Happily this is where Boris Johnson steps up to the plate to help out his friend.
“How can Johnson just leave Raab out to dry on the beach? He’s done everything wrong that Raab has done and a lot more besides. So he’s found a really neat solution which is actually symmetrical, like a sphere. I think.”
The solution to the Afghanistan problem appears to be to offer to pay the Taliban a lot of money. A lot.
“All they need to do to receive the cash incentive is provide three weeks holiday cover a month for Raab. If the test of the scheme is successful it could really take off and be extended to 10 Downing Street too.”
Won’t there be concerns about allowing foreign powers’ medievalist functionaries dictate U.K. foreign policy while Raab is off?
“Don’t be silly. What foreign policy?”