REWARD FOR EFFORT : Alleviating news this week that Boris Johnson’s trade genius Liz Truss has been ordered to award prominent Brexiters with even more public cash expenditure.
The overwhelming majority of nostalgia freaks who could never grasp the value of Union with the EU27 have already been ennobled, which is nice, and now they’re being given additional ways to spend their retirements.
“We’re sending them all around the world to talk up trading with the United Kingdom,” a small parasite that lives on the apple discarded in one of Ms Truss’s desk drawers told LCD Views. “Botham, Hoey and the rest of the list of shame are going to go about the world carrying the new variants we produce with our herd immunity experiments and bring back trade for Blighty.”
It’s believed the envoys, who demonstrably know nothing at all about trade, because they’re Brexiters, will serve to big up Blighty and lead to a wealth of trade. At least until the internet is invented.
“It’s hoped one of them will find Eldorado,” the small parasite explains, “and be able to bring home fully stocked supermarket shelves. Nando’s with chicken. McDonalds restaurants with milkshakes. Beefeaters with beef. So on like this. It’ll solve those Brexit teething problems.”
The other driving force for it is the same as that behind Mr Johnson’s trade dinghy.
“Mr Johnson also knows sod all about trade. He bases his policies on a fetish for imperialism and not realty. The trade envoys fit neatly into that.”
But some are not entirely impressed. Surprisingly they’re not all overseas, and the long suffering functionaries that will have to entertain our clueless heralds.
“We can’t even stock our supermarkets, but sure let’s send Beefy to Australia to explain to the Aussies that we’re a trading powerhouse. That makes perfect sense.”
Perfect Brexit sense. Which means it’s nonsense.