STICK A FLAG ON IT : A special kind of talent is needed these days to embarrass the U.K. overseas and many thought we’d exhausted the available talent pool after five years of Brexit, but Liz Truss has stepped up to the plate and hit another six.
It seems Dominic Raab’s week long spot in the spotlight as most humiliating Secretary of State is over, at least for the day, after Ms Truss wowed social media with an announcement that old Beefy himself was now a trade envoy to Australia.
The choice of the famous cricketer of forty years past to wow Australia into demanding imports of cheddar and pasties was obvious because “he’s a committed Brexiter and so knows fuck all about trade”.
This deep and enduring knowledge aligns neatly with Ms Truss’s own. We’ve all just got to hope the Aussies don’t mention it.
“Rewarding Brexiters for their pigheaded commitment to our mission to make the United Kingdom the most embarrassing country on Earth is vital to the success of Brexit,” an aide to Ms Truss told LCD Views. “It’s all very well to destroy a vital trade system with the EU, but you’ve got to have somewhere far away that can never replace it.”
Lord Botham should have special success Downunder because the distant antipodean colonial upstarts are well known to have an automatic deference to English titles.
“We expect once Botham staggers off the Union Flag plane they’ll line up to doff their caps and give the mother country whatever he demands,” the aide adds, “although of course it would be handy if the EU has any established agreements we can just cut and paste, weaken the conditions of and then sign in a hurry. This has been Ms Truss’s successful recipe.”
Whatever the impact on trade though is thought to be unimportant.
“This is primarily about rewarding Brexiters for their ability to deny reality and live in a mind palace of total fantasy and privilege. As such it only matters that they feel puffed up, not that they achieve anything. Brexit isn’t about that.”
It wasn’t just Botham in the news though, Baroness Hoey has been appointed trade envoy to Ghana presumably because everyone wants to get her as far away from the House of Lords as possible.