SOME PEOPLE JUST WANT TO SEE THE WORLD BURN : Sorry news today for Brits anticipating the revival of traditional British festivities with the announcement that the endless ‘pingdemic’ has claimed another victim.
It was anticipated that a winter edition of the classic Wicker Man festival would be held up and down the length of the country to celebrate a full of year of freedom from the tyrannical EU and its supply of much needed skilled labour and food. Sadly the Wicker Man has been contacted by the NHS App and told he has to self-isolate.
“He won’t be able to practice for being burnt now,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “You don’t just rock up and set fire to yourself. This isn’t Brexit. Intense training and preparation is needed. By the time the Wicker Man comes out of self-isolation in September there won’t be enough time left to prepare.”
The cancellation of the festive day is a double blow as a special giant sized vegan sausage roll had been commissioned from Gregg’s to be burnt with the giant wicker statue. Gregg’s have refused to comment, but one prominent front bench Tory MP is said to be “fumin'” as she calculated the incineration of the controversial snack would really “fire up her base”.
There were already rumours that the special day was in jeopardy because of the imposition of a surprising range of new red tape from Brussels simply because we left the trading union with the EU27.
“This is provably false and just another pathetic attempt to smear Brexit,” the source explains, “patriotic Brits had already supplied enough 70’s wicker furnishings that they had laying about in their sheds. The Wicker Man was done and ready to burn. It’s the pingdemic.”
As a consolation for the loss of the festival Brits will be encouraged to come together in green spaces near their homes, put up the Union Flag bunting and just punch themselves in the face for several hours.
“Everyone has been doing that since mid 2016. It should be a very professional display by now of what Brexit means.”