The men of Britain are in real danger of never fathering children again, claims Professor Winston Churchill, head researcher at Food Safety and Fertility Clinic, Boston.
“I blame the scientists,” Professor Churchill told LCD Views. “They can never leave well enough alone. Food was safe before generics was understood. An onion was an onion. It’s important to know your onions.”
The latest food danger is an attempt by insane horticulturists to create a turnip-chilli hybrid.
“Fancy flavours like that are all well and good for novelty crisps but they should never be within throwing up distance of an actual British kitchen,” the Professor warns. “It’s not going too far to say the fertility of our great nation is at risk. This could actually be a foreign plot to sabotage the future of our armed services.”
The Professor is too patriotically polite to mention Brexit’s part in all this, so we will have to. Food imports are facing a crisis due to the work shy nature of EU HGV drivers. This means more British food will have to be grown in Britain and not in Catalonia. This means turnips. Lots and lots of turnips.
“The turnip is traditionally the safest vegetable for native Britons,” Professor Churchill notes, “but if the genes of turnip-chilli hybrids escape into the wild and mix with classic turnips on farms, all hell will break loose.”
Sunday is the day of particular risk.
“When the man of the house prepares the Sunday roast and chops up that turnip, unaware it’s a chilli hybrid, then goes to relieve himself as nature intended? Well, I hope you have the fire brigade, the ambulance service and Porton Down all on speed dial. And forget that fifth child.”
Forewarned is forearmed. And unlike British willies, turnips aren’t the intended playthings of idle hands. Turnips. Let’s leave them as nature intended and continue to enjoy world class fertility rates in British men.