WORLD FIRSTS : The good and loyal people of Hartlepool have been selected for a cannibalism trial by 10 Downing Street.
The decision to “test drive” eating other people in the town was taken to reward them for electing a Conservative MP in the recent by-election, and blaming the Labour council for it.
“Mr Johnson wants to level up the country and reward those areas especially which have shown loyalty to him, but which he doesn’t personally intend to visit anymore,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “The people of Hartlepool will have the freedom to decide how they select who gets eaten. We suggest the traditional technique favoured by shipwrecked sailors of drawing lots. But it will be at their discretion. Perhaps survival of the fittest would be more fitting for Brexit Britain.”
To ensure the success of the trial the town will be surrounded by military assets. This has caused some dissent within the Conservative Party with several MPs concerned it will only worsen the HGV driver crisis.
“This could backfire on us,” Pingle Bumblebum, MP for Blue Rosette, told LCD Views. “People waiting for their supermarkets to get deliveries will have to wait longer while army drivers are diverted to form a cordon around Hartlepool. I’m not sure if it’s been fully thought through.”
The exact recipes the Hartlepoolians should use when cooking one another aren’t yet clear. It was thought that livers could be cooked with fava beans and accompanied by a nice chianti, but there are supply side issues on both.
“The pingdemic means that the drivers who would usually have taken the fava beans and Italian wines to Hartlepool are currently self-isolating driving HGV’s in EU27 countries. We recommend that people go ahead and forage herbs from local verges.”
It’s not recommended that anyone tries just eating their neighbours ‘tartare’ as “why miss out on a chance to level up your British summer by failing to BBQ.”
If the scheme is successful in reducing the demand in Hartlepool supermarkets it will be expanded across the country.
“People voted overwhelmingly to endanger their food supplies in the 2016 referendum,” Pingle Bumblebum added, “this is just the natural consequence. We’re not going to do anything else about it. If I were you I’d practice sprinting now, before your town joins Hartlepool.”