FOR WHOM THE DUMB TOLLS : FOREGIN SECRETARY and Brexit Superstar Dominic Raab has spoken publicly regarding his complete and absolute failure on Afghanistan.
It has been widely reported that the muscular brain of British foreign affairs decided to bugger off on holiday just as the Taliban took Kabul. Something only twenty years of experience in Afghanistan, the days immediately precedng the event, the months before the days and the inherent nature of the Taliban, could have predicted.
“Had there been a Ladybook of Extremists for me to read I may have stood a fighting chance of not getting on the plane to Crete,” the broad plank of state commented. “As it was there was only the bleeding obvious as a guide and I’m notoriously phobic about blood.”
Unfortunately for the Raabster even some normally docile Tory MPs are reportedly Raabid now about Raab.
“Some are accusing me of torpedoing the myth they hold of themselves and their idolised vision of themselves as a great military power who never abandons its friends,” Raab shrugged. “I don’t really understand that. I’m sufficiently insulated against any of my own cockups not to let any failure penetrate. They should try it. I mean it’s a bit rum when the old packet of minced meat Davis has to defend you.”
But even though Raab is now clearly “on a journey” to a greater understanding of how boring holding one of the great offices of state can be, he does still have a fight all of his own now over Afghanistan. It’s politically life or death for Dom.
“I want to reassure everyone that I have learned the lessons of going off to stay in a Putin linked luxury resort during a cascading foreign policy crisis,” he told the country. “I can see now that this mistake, although innocent, has damaged my prospects of becoming Prime Minister. And I assure everyone I will do everything I can to save my career.”