RECEIVED WISDOM : The BBC’s domestic news desk is in a bullish mood today as it defends a recent spate of authoritative articles on the struggles faced by British businesses.
The main issues appear to be supply side with incoming goods from the European continent interrupted by a mysterious force previously unknown to business. Plus millions of EU27 nationals completely refusing to come back across the Channel in spite of the Home Secretary “fluffing their pillows for them and folding over the ends of the toilet roll like a fancy hotel does”.
Recent difficulties in the Suez underscore why it would have been better if the British attempt to operate the vital shipping lane “pragmatically” had succeeded. Still there does appear to be a new magic working to undermine the British economy.
“It’s a spell. Someone is casting a spell,” an imagined insider, coordinating propaganda between Downing Street and the BBC, told LCD Views. “We’re going to have to bring back witch burning to solve it. Rees-mogg is beside himself in anticipation. It must be an exceedingly strong spell too. What exceptional force can overcome Britishness?”
It is further reported that Downing Street is demanding the BBC report the problems from emptying supermarket shelves to closure of Nando’s accurately, just to be “careful with the language so as not to provoke alarm in the general populace”.
Hopes the British Army could be brought in to locate and destroy the “wizard, warlock, witch or coven” casting the spell have been dashed as they’re already overstretched driving HGV’s and ambulances.
“What I would say to whomever is casting the spell is just stop it,” the insider adds. “You’re only hurting yourself in the long run. Just cancel the spell and release the HGV, NHS, farm and building workers from the cave you’ve imprisoned them in and we can forget all about it.”
In the interim the word “witchcraft” will be used to explain the perplexing problems, except by the World Service, where hope survives even as the Tory worms eat at the woodwork.