THE ETERNAL INNOCENT : Britain’s greatest throbbing temple vein is reported to have been rushed to Accident & Emergency today after seeing a sight so shocking he “collapsed in apoplexy”.
It appears the incident happened after the individual concerned, said to be Foreign and Commonwealth Secretary Dominic Raab, was left unattended with “a smartphone and somehow managed to open YouTube”. The device had last been used by a bored staffer “on the bog” with a fondness for unsettling videos.
“There will be a full inquiry as to how Dom was left not only unattended but in possession of a device capable of accessing such disturbing content for a man of his enduring innocence,” a FCO source told LCD Views. “We have gone to great lengths to keep dangerous information from the Foreign Secretary. He still has no idea the Pope is Catholic and we request everyone keeps it that way. It’s uncertain how he would react, given his present condition.”
The actual video which caused the psychological trauma to Mr Raab has been identified as one from an animal humour channel.
“To some footage of a bear shitting in the woods is just harmless, if puerile fun,” the source chides, “but to Dom it was a revelation so startling it caused a complete seizure of his functioning neuron. This is no laughing matter. Mr Raab is responsible for Brexit Britain’s international statecraft and he must be allowed to focus fully on his efforts to place Dover and Calais near to each other in the Ladybird Book of Western European Geography he has been studying since taking his current post.”
Mr Raab’s family have asked for privacy and pleaded that no one explain to Mr Raab “water is wet” as this is also thought to be information of “weapon’s grade danger” to Britain’s most charming political intellect.