HIDE AND SEEK : The British Army has a lot on its plate recently with the rolling collapse of traditional industry thanks to Brexit, and they’re about to get even busier.
Reconnaissance units especially, minesweepers and any other soldiers specialising in locating and finding have been given fresh orders to locate serving Tory MPs.
“Mr Johnson interrupted his dining plans yesterday to make a show of concern over Afghanistan. He was even prepared to recall Parliament to make a proper job of looking worried, but the whips couldn’t find any MPs to decorate the Commons chamber with. Of course, first he had to find the whips. Then someone realised we still have a Foreign Secretary, but they could be buggered if anyone knew where he was. Off somewhere warm looking surprised he was in post was thought a likely guess. It was a right mess. Finally one of the SPADS suggested scouring the beaches of the Med? Then we started to make headway.”
But although the likely location of a sufficient number of MPs has been correctly deduced to “as far away from Blighty as possible”, getting them to respond to calls to come home early is an uphill struggle.
“That’s why we’ve brought in the army. SAS as well as regulars. Some of those MPs are going to be tough nuts to crack. In particular the chaps with villas and chateaus etc. They turned their phones off at Heathrow. We’ll need to parachute in with special forces and shock them with rendition.”
One saving grace is the pandemic. While social distancing has been binned for the plebs, their betters in Parliament are still limited.
“We only need to rustle up a dozen or so. You’d think that would be a cinch? But you try finding even that many Tories with a classic British summer doing its cloudy best to scatter everyone to the Med! Ha! We should have dragged a few back by Wednesday though. Then we’ll have a right old handwringing festival in the chamber and make a bunch of promises for the Home Secretary to break later. You’ll see. Global Britain at its finest!”