CHAMBERLAINING ALONG : Global LEADER and part time U.K. Prime Minister Boris Johnson is to interrupt his tour of his mind palace to address the fast moving events in Afghanistan.
“The Prime Minister is very excited to address the dramatic and terrifying retaking of the country by the medievalists as he will be able to mix in some Ancient Greek references,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “Oh and he’s desperately concerned over whatever is happening.”
While the lure of being able to show off with mention of Alexander the Great is certainly a plus for Britain’s greatest serving Prime Minister, he will also have more to play about with in what will be stirring oratory. If it’s 2am. And you’re drunk. And nothing really matters to you anymore but yourself.
“Churchill’s first book was set in what is now western Pakistan and eastern Afghanistan. It’s non-fiction, unlike the Prime Minister’s non-fiction works, which are mostly fictional and designed to use the topic to reflect his fictional idea of himself. But the fact of Churchill’s involvement is a bridge the PM can cross. This will help ease the real problem here which is a PM and a Home Secretary desperate to throw refugees out of the U.K. to keep their radicalised base content, but now finding they have to fly some in!”
But those who expected swifter action will have to be patient as it will take the PM several days to compose his barnstorming lecture on what is happening yesterday.
“This is why it’s taking days to recall Parliament. It’s not just getting enough MPs back to the U.K. to make a show of things. Then there’s Priti Patel. She has to be sedated so we can take in some refugees with links to U.K. armed services. And Raab. Let’s not forget the Foreign Secretary, even though that’s very easy. He has to be drilled with the knowledge Afghanistan is an actual country and not a command to teach a type of large hound to stand. That alone will take days. Then there’s the threat of Tory MPs resigning the whip over their government’s incompetence and lack of action. No wait. There’s no risk of that. They’ll just grandstand on social media like always.”
When it does arrive the speech won’t be all baffling and irrelevant classical references, there will be some measure of stick directed squarely at the extremists.
“Do you want to talk to Liz Truss and agree the basis of further negotiations for a trade deal or not? They have to have a good, long, hard think about that. If they don’t keep to the terms of the deal Trump did with them, and Johnson went along with they won’t be exporting too many cars to Britain.”
While all this is sorted everyone can at least be reassured that when it comes to the plight of refugees in mortal danger overseas Britannia will wield its sovereignty in a way that will demonstrate that Boris Johnson did his best. Days late. When there was only one option left.