DEFENCE MATTERS : Security analysts have spoken to the press today to give a thumbs up to Boris Johnson and his UKIP government for the strides they’ve made in strengthening the UK’s defence via Brexit.
“There are daily new stories of the army being deployed to counteract the impact of Brexit on civil life,” Doctor Armee told LCD Views. “As a former serving Tory MP I must declare an interest, but even so it’s incredibly impressive.”
The main source of the renewed strength appears to be the deployment of the U.K. defence forces domestically in so many sectors.
“Some said that the decision to strip the armed forces to the bone in the austerity years was shortsighted, but those amateur defence commentators didn’t take into account the tangible benefits of Brexit,” the Doctor explains. “We now have soldiers driving grocery deliveries, ambulances, picking crops, running fishing trawlers, doing rubbish collection and all manner of public service. You just think about invading the U.K. now! Anywhere you land you’ll run into a member of the armed services and gotcha!”
The government will of course take due credit for the even distribution of military personnel around the country.
“Some people say Prime Minister Boris Johnson and his loyalists are just a bunch of corrupted idiots whose brains have been turned into Swiss cheese by years of mingling with kleptocrats. Well it’s clear now that they haven’t, their brains are 100% English Cheddar and we can all be proud of it.”
The only potential snag appears to be if we run out of serving personnel to re-task with duties to keep public life just about functional, before the EU dies of embarrassment and sends all those workers we threw out back.
“There’s an easy solution to that,” the analyst analizers. “We just make access to tertiary education means tested and conscript all the poor kids into the defence forces. Your KFC will get its chicken delivered once little Tommy from Hackney has it explained to him that he is serving the country now as a squaddie delivering to fast food chains. With the added bonus of serving in the army could never be safer.”
The next person who collects your waste could be a solider. Brexit Britain. Never has a country made itself safer.