A TURNIP IN THE SHAPE OF A THINGY: Fast food favourites KFC are having trouble sourcing those juicy nuggets of chlorinated joy. Instead, they are turning to a very British solution, and substituting vegetables for meat.
“It’s a cock up,” groaned chicken buyer Dick Lycavegetable. “Our customers expect chicken cooked within an inch of its life, dunked in spicy breadcrumbs and served with reconstituted fried potato stix. There will be riots!”
Just like the last time KFC ran out of chicken. But Lycavegetable had an innovative solution.
“To be honest, all you can really taste is spice and MSG,” admitted Lycavegetable. So whatever is actually being consumed is irrelevant. So long as our customers think that they are eating chicken, they are happy!”
The solution turned out to be the Great British Turnip. “Cooked for long enough, a turnip goes stringy and tasteless like chicken. So it’s a perfect substitute! KFC no longer, we will henceforth be known as KFT!”
The shortages are being blamed on foreigners. Specifically, the EU. “The EU forced shortages of KFC on us as punishment!” claimed Tory MP Sir Blabber McGobshite. “It’s covid, it’s got to be, they are so jealous of our vaccines and our superior death rates. Stands to reason. Innit. That’s why the lorry drivers have gone home. Someone must remind them that they need us more than we need them. It’s chickens coming home to roost!”
But not to KFC apparently. It’s clucking madness, and is being egged on by featherweights like McGobshite.
All this pussyfooting around the elephant in the room won’t bring home the bacon.
Expect fast vegetables to become the new normal. Tick into piri piri swede, cabbage vindaloo, or sweet and sour pumpkin balls.
Sit back and watch the feathers fly as KFC lovers get the bird. Cheer as gammons become vegetarian by default.
And if you don’t want that turnip, I’ll have it. Cheers!