MINISTER FOR MATT : Exciting news this morning bursting, exploding and cascading out of the Westminster bubble that disgraced political superstar Matt Hancock is to return to the cabinet.
Speculation has been building for days that Mr Hancock was due to be rehabilitated. I mean, why wouldn’t he? He’s such a talent. Anyone doubting the reliability of this invented story just needs to look at the career of the Home Secretary and all the ghastly shit she’s gotten away with, even before her current posting. Even a six figure pay out for bullying can’t dislodge her, yet.
What new role to find for Mr Hancock seems to have caused some delay with many options being considered.
“It had to be a new Ministry,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “This is a government of all the talents and all the positions are filled by geniuses. We did consider making him Minister for Whatsapp but that seemed too much like laughing in the public’s face. Minister for Locating Michael Gove was also a possibility, but even little Matt Hancock would likely turn that down. Then we got it just by looking at Mr Hancock’s career, and what will soon happen to the whole crew once the Brexit catastrocountryshag really kicks into gear. And the Ministry for Ministerial Reputations was born. It will receive a starting budget of £350m per week.”
It’s believed Mr Hancock’s focus will mostly be protecting Boris Johnson’s reputation. His plummeting popularity risks seeing him replaced in the classic Tory bloodbath, which is now overdue. But he’ll also have time for his strongest obsession.
“That is himself. Matt. Minister for Matt. He’ll try and craft the job to that end. You just have to look at how he invoked the war dead in the hope of becoming PM, before throwing them under the bus, to understand what his primary focus is.”