GRIN WHEN YOU’RE WINNING : 10 DOWNING STREET is putting itself firmly behind this nation of shopkeepers today with a new drive to encourage voters to spend their Brexit bonuses.
For some time it has been a source of confusion to 10 Downing Street why Brits aren’t rushing into the shops and rushing home with some unique bargains. It’s certainly true that Mr and Mrs Johnson are doing their part to aid the economic recovery by spending the money of donors. But ordinary plebs who have to spend their own money also have a job to do.
“Hardly anyone is dying each day now from the pandemic,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “We’re looking to plateau at a 100 completely avoidable fatalities a day without counting up what that means each month. So there’s no reason not to crowd into your local shops with the people who no longer wear a mask.”
Although the warm words are welcome and will certainly cause a boost to high street takings, some may need more encouragement.
“We are disappointed that some retailers aren’t doing everything they can to boost the economy,” the source continues. “The usual range of goods may occasionally be missing from shops due to a spell cast by an ancient Babylonian witch, but that should force innovative new British made product lines.”
In particular 10 Downing Street appears to be thinking of souvenirs. Which is fitting as this is a unique period in the history of the United Kingdom.
“You‘re going to feel pretty silly when all you have to hold as a momento of this time is the ration book you’ll be getting from Boris Johnson this Christmas,” they advise. “When you could have also bought one of those cardboard shelf fillers from Sainsbury’s. This is where supermarkets need to think outside of the box, even if the box was once filled with fresh fruit and veg and is now filled with cardboard.”