THINK OF THE CARPARK IN KENT : The United Kingdom’s Prime Minister, and son of noted environmentalist Stanley, has taken to the Downing Street press room today to celebrate the most striking success of his Brexit.
While the saboteurs and gloomsters moan on about staff shortages and short shelf life fruit and veg Mr Johnson has his hands firmly wrapped on the shaft of success.
“I’m tumescent with joy,” he told the assembled press in the £2.5m Russian built room. “I’m stiff with ecstasy at what we’ve been able to achieve simply by a few tweaks to immigration law and by imprisoning ten thousand EU drivers in Kent last Christmas. If I was a steam train entering a tunnel I’d toot!”
The cause of the big headedness appears to be the environmental gains that Brexit is delivering.
“Many said that by dismantling our long standing trade with our nearest neighbours in an attempt to replicate it with less savoury regimes on the other side of the world that our carbon cost would escalate,” Mr Johnson beamed. “But just look already at what we’ve achieved? Are the Kent lorry parks full? No! Are the motorways clogged with trucks? Not at all! Brexit has reduced our heavy goods vehicle emissions in a way no secure food supply chain could.”
To celebrate the achievement Mr Johnson is going to do something a little unusual for a serving Prime Minister.
“I’m not like old Dubya across the pond who waited for retirement to turn his hand to art, although his portraits are excellent,” Mr Johnson enthused. “I’ve started already. Arts and crafts with empty wine crates. And later today I will place my latest creation outside Downing Street for everyone to celebrate.”
A nation waits with bated breath.
“I have made a model of your local Tesco’s fruit and vegetable aisles out of empty wine crates. It is exceptionally simple. I just lined the empty crates up next to each other and painted on a sign that says veg.”