JUMPING FOR JOY : Downing Street is not just going to sit on its barge arse and wait for the empty shelf crisis to worsen, it is to act.
Clearly the country’s armed forces now have a crucial role to play in keeping the UK’s world beating supermarkets full of world beating produce after the EU declared war on British logistics.
“If EU truckers lack the required patriotism to navigate Priti Patel’s hostile environment and keep Britons fed we will just have to do it ourselves. And we will do it with tradition and style. Watch out Brussels! We’re going to be self-sufficient!”
The tradition will draw on one of British armed forces most iconic aircraft.
“We can confirm that the mothballed fleet of Harrier Jump Jets are being dusted off and fuelled up and will play a vital role in getting your grocery basket full.”
The details of the plan are not yet fully worked out yet, mostly because Mr Johnson dreamed it up while hammered on fine old port at 3am this morning. But those minor matters the ramped up logistical teams operating out of 10 Downing Street can flesh out.
The main thrust appears to be upward though with the Jets replacing the tired old role of RO/RO haulage lorries. And they will avoid any of the tiresome customs paperwork and queues that allowed the unexpected pingdemic to cause chaos.
“The fleet of harriers will fly from a recommissioned Croydon Airfield off Purley Way in Croydon and over to Calais. This site has been chosen because it was used in WW2 and everything we do must include a link to Britain’s other finest hour. At Calais the jets will descend with netting and be loaded with the cargo British supermarkets need to fulfil our commitment to protect their profits and your stomachs.”
Seeing the Jets hovering over a Sainsbury’s or Tesco carpark is sure to raise morale all over the country. Customers are asked to watch where they walk if they find a military jet over their heads. Don’t trip up and miss out on your fresh fruit and veg.
Apparently though a decision has been made to not inform French authorities of the arrival of the harriers in their airspace as that would just give the French another opportunity to stick a spanner in the runaway “success that is Brexit”.