PRATTLE STATIONS : The British Army is set to get even busier in the coming weeks and months after the United Kingdom’s government declared WAR on the United Kingdom.
The declaration of war has not surprised many, but it does mean that Army HGV drivers will now have to fit in deliveries to major supermarkets in between attacking themselves. Army Chiefs are remaining characteristically tight lipped about the evolving situation. Many military observers expect they will be incredibly annoyed as it’s “hard enough dealing with customers who are irritated over substitutions on the doorstep without having to split a reduced army in half and have it fight itself”.
It had been expected that The Telegraph would be chosen to make the announcement and there are rumours that Prime Minister Boris Johnson’s bosses are not best pleased that he chose to inform the nation via the radio. This mistake has been put down to “drunkenness”.
Shortly before 8pm this evening Mr Johnson is said to have addressed the nation on one of Radio 4’s political programmes and said that “victory was certain because we’re fighting ourselves”.
This method has also upset the voters who have turned away from BBC political news in droves since the EU referendum as it is believed to give the “Gammon a strategic advantage, due to early warning”. Although given most of them can’t organise a piss up in a brewery, it’s not felt to be an insurmountable advantage.
How NATO will react is not yet clear as they will have to both attack and defend the United Kingdom until a ceasefire can be brokered.
Mr Johnson is expected to assume the rank of Rear Admiral and then retire to Chequers and let “others sort out the mess”, which is exactly how the UK came to declare war on itself in the first place.