NOTHING TO FEAR : DOWNING STREET has moved today to reassure anxious global Britons who are becoming inordinately alarmed at the widening gaps in supermarket shelves.
Where it will lead no one knows, except the industry experts who have spent years warning about the dangers of Brexit. Oh, and millions of people who had access to Google in 2016 and afterwards.
“If we’d listened to the gloomsayers we’d never have delivered Brexit,” a well fed 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views, in between courses. “Try the lobster thermidor? It’s nuclear. Here. Take two. It’s on the taxpayer. What about a drink? If you’re awake it’s well past time to have a glass or two. Ha! What were we talking about?”
Clearly there is nothing to worry about and “no need to panic”. This is because People’s Prime Minister Boris Johnson has called in the army. A standard Tory solution to any domestic crisis.
Critics of the situation are less than convinced however. They are doing the standard defeatist, unpatriotic, remoaner trick of basic maths.
“Look, what these worry worts who are talking the country down need to understand that any problem can be solved by just believing hard enough. Yes there are only 2000 army drivers. Yes they probably have other things to do than deliver frozen veg to a Tesco in Wiltshire. Yes that still leaves 98,000 drivers short. But so what? What about Blitz Spirit?”
And if that doesn’t work Mr Johnson has a backup plan.
“He’ll blame someone else and bugger off. It’s worked a charm his entire career. The only question left is where does he fail upwards to from here?” the source wonders. “Another glass? Don’t be shy. It’s on the taxpayer, just like Brexit.”