FORM AN ORDERLY LINE : Downing Street is stepping up to the challenge of reversing the collapsing U.K. food supply chains today.
“We all know that successful governance is about who writes the most compelling narrative in the mind of the public,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “If the reality based narrative that supermarkets are running out of food takes hold in the public consciousness things could get a bit tricky. This is why we have taken the sensible and measured measure we have today.”
The initiative has been codenamed Operation : Stitch In Time and involves a talented hypnotist hired by Downing Street.
“The hypnotist has this afternoon begun studying social media to see which regions are now worst affected by the broken supply chains. Once a hotspot is identified he flies there by helicopter, disembarks in the supermarket carpark and begins greeting shoppers as they leave empty handed.”
And that’s when the magic starts.
“He invites shoppers to look into his eyes, look into his eyes, don’t look anywhere but in his eyes. As he does this he swings a fob watch on a chain in front of their faces and talks in a soothing voice until they enter a state of hypnosis.”
This is followed by the hypnotist telling the shoppers they must remember they have bought all the items they wished for that day and to go home and be amazed at how little they spent on the weekly shop. It will prove to be very effective.”
But critics of the strategy have demanded to know why only one hypnotist has been engaged, when surely thousands will be needed to cover the entirety of the U.K.?
“That’s because it’s a Boris Johnson initiative, so it’s going to be as impactful as he is with a mop. You can’t expect him to exhaust himself actually dealing with the crisis?” the source shrugs.
“To admit there is a supply side crisis will be to admit, either directly or by implication, that Brexit has failed. So you just better get used to staring into the eyes of the National hypnotist and carry on at home with the guided hypnosis track that will soon appear on your smartphone to convince you you had a slap up Sunday roast. When in reality you’ll be lucky to have had toast.”
Brexit Britain. We did this to ourselves, just don’t expect anybody in government to admit it.