RED OR BROWN SAUCE : The British Prime Minister Boris Johnson has been forced to take time out from his walking holiday in Scotland to respond to reports of an outbreak of cannibalism in a Surrey supermarket.
“Good thing I’m hundreds of miles away! Ha! What! Ha!” the PM said initially, before ruffling his hair more insincerely and adopting a more sober face.
While reports of cannibalism were anticipated as a natural consequence of leaving the European Union, it had been expected they would be financial, with key international players devouring the UK alive. Additional incidences of the country’s lawmakers eating whole the democratic processes they embody were also forecast. Actual cannibalism this early in the process is something of a shock.
“Shows you what the experts know,” Mr Johnson shrugged, “of course I’m appalled, appalled at the ah, um, the Medusa like spectacle in the Surrey fresh produce aisle. I urge all Britons not to eat each other regardless of how severe the breakdown in supply chains become. Why the great GREAT AND NOBLE tradition of pottage making for peasants is clearly a viable alternative to a full basket at Marks.”
But when pressed as to how the government would respond to prevent the outbreak worsening Mr Johnson hid in a nearby hedge. Reporters were able to locate him in time, in spite of his hair blending seamlessly into some thistle plants that had finished flowering and were dishing out that white fluffy stuff.
“Look, it’s perfectly straightforward. The EU is punishing us for Brexit. They’ve done this with their tedious and legalistic obsession with keeping promises agreed to in international treaties. Rather than ruin my afternoon shooting grouse you’d be better off phoning up the stuffed shirts in Brussels.”
The press seemed strangely persistent though, so the PM was forced to fall back to the standard government position on anything at all now.
“We’ve had the fastest vaccine roll out in Europe! We couldn’t have done that without Getting Brexit Done! What’s a little bit of cannibalism between patriots! It’s the taste of sovereignty.”