IT’S NOT OVER TILL THE FAT MAN SINGS : Reports from the heart of government suggest that Prime Minister Boris Johnson believes everyone in the U.K. is getting too hot under the collar over the collapse in U.K. supply lines.
Happily for the architect of the End of Freedom of Movement, Priti Patel, there is not yet any suggestion of not being “batshit crazy and vicious” to any foreigners wishing to come over from Europe and work in the U.K. It’s not clear how that helps the driver shortage though?
“It’s irrelevant,” a source close to the PM told LCD Views. “The driver shortage is due to the pingdemic. It’s nothing to do with turning the immigration system into a shakedown racket post Brexit. Absolutely not related to stripping EU27 citizens of rights given at birth and replacing them with costly paperwork and the threat of deportation. We’re Great Britain. We’re now Global.”
It appears the prevailing belief is that once the pandemic “burns itself out” and the phones stop alarming everyone those HGV drivers will not be able to stop themselves from racing back to Blighty.
“We’re British. They love to work for us. All the jobs we can’t be bothered to properly train for, resource or advocate. Just to be on this island is really payment enough for foreign chaps. When you consider their alternatives it’s obvious. You’ll see, once we become the first nation to achieve herd immunity, via natural infection, in a pandemic of an ever mutating virus all those burly chaps will be back. Just hold tight.”
In the meantime shoppers are asked not to panic buy.
“It maybe a close run thing. Just try using one sheet of toilet paper every time you go. That’ll help with supplies. And remember, five a day is indulgence, think yourself lucky to get one banana and share it generously amongst the family.”
It’s not just wait and see though, there are plans to further modify the NHS App to send more positive notifications to close contacts of virus cases.
“You’re going to die one day anyway, get out and play! That’s what the app will soon say. Together with things like ‘We’re here for a good time not a long time!’. Trust in Boris and just keep taking it on the chin.”
Never forget, tomorrow is a lovely day.