HAPPY ACCIDENT AT BIRTH : 2020’s Swimsuit Calendar of the Year Champion, and Chancellor, Rishi “Fishy” Sunak has some well timed words of advice for upwardly mobile Brits now that the pandemic is in retreat.
It seems the Chancellor believes the scandals involving David Cameron are sufficiently distant in the country’s rear view mirror now and he can once again style his hair, break cover and make a run to get into 10 Downing Street.
“Eat Out to Help Out boosted my credentials with the younger demographic,” the Chancellor revealed, in an unusually forthcoming interview, “the voters of tomorrow are my core support. I want to do everything I can to help them forget David Cameron and Greensill and back me when the time comes for Johnson’s Et tu Rishi moment.”
And as everyone knows the way to the heart of young voters is not pesky trivialities like Freedom of Movement, readily available food, Erasmus, relieving the debt burden of further education, climate change action, not deporting their friends’ mums and peace in Northern Ireland. No. The way to win the hearts and minds of the young is restaurant promotions that potentially knocked off their gran.
“But we also need advice at key stages in our lives,” Rishi says in statesmanlike tones, “such as what is this item of cutlery poking out of my arse? Is it a platinum or silver spoon? How to leverage the family connections when your education is complete? How many digits make up a million. How else will you understand your personal wealth at birth? And how to translate all of that to economic units who may erroneously believe they have some intrinsic worth?”
Clearly, for Rishi, the answer to all these big questions is “Get back into the office you slackers before my donors lose some net worth.”
And remember, accident of birth is for suckers, if you want to really get ahead you need to ensure you are born incredibly privileged or it could “damage your chancers and career.”