DOING THYME : The Met police are said to be in a celebratory mood this morning with news of the successful overnight raid on one of Britain’s largest black market vegetable rings.
The underworld dealing of illegal fresh produce has become a blossoming crime in the post-Brexit landscape, as imports of fresh food become ever more difficult and large scale, legitimate U.K. producers find themselves completely shafted by a combination of Johnson and Gove promises.
“The police are now tough on courgettes and the causes of courgettes,” a Met police spokesman told the media, during a press conference in which millions of pounds of vegetables seized from a derelict East End warehouse were put on display.
“Dealing in illegal veg is not a victimless crime,” the spokesman said, “children as young as two, who believed they were safe from marrows and raw carrots and could enjoy a bag of crisps, suddenly find their dad swaggering home from the nearest carpark with a bag full of healthy and nutritious food in a reused shopping bag. The impact on the young can be devastating. Often this is the start of a path that could lead to veganism and growing their own fresh produce.”
Police warned that parents were particularly vulnerable to being groomed by the criminal gangs while “standing in the empty space in Tesco where the fresh fruit and veg used to be and wondering what the hell is going on”.
“These are the times you need to be most on your guard against the criminals. They approach forlorn looking shoppers and will promise to take them to a private place where fresh produce is available.”
When asked what the government was doing to assist the police in tackling the post-Brexit crime wave, a government minister blamed the disturbing trends on “Covid. The Pingdemic. The obstinacy of Brussels. The need to renegotiate the terrible Brexit Deal that a few months ago was fantastic, before we were retrospectively tricked by Brussels. The Last Labour government. Keir Starmer. Nicola Sturgeon. Jeremy Corbyn. Workshy NHS who need to be privatised for US Health interests. And Matt Hancock.”
Never once did the minister mention Brexit as the root cause.
“We don’t mention it. Boris Johnson’s entire premiership is at risk because he conned the country, did bugger all work and now we’ve got a full blown food supply crisis on our hands. It’s a total mess.”
The police ask anyone who is approached with an offer on backyard or allotment veg to come forward and contact them.
“I’m having friends over for dinner on Saturday and I need tomatoes, carrots, basil and some aubergines if possible.”