BLAMEDEMIC : The pandemic has come in for a lot of flack in recent months but none more so now that it is attacking the holy grail of British politics.
“It’s undermining our sovereignty,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “If it wasn’t for the pandemic we’d have had that trade deal with India sorted. Not a problem. Boris would have flown over there on AirDumb One and they would have fallen at his feet and accepted any terms whatsoever. But no, no, a little strand of RNA thought different. And here we are. It’s so depressing we’re having to lengthen our lunches just to make up more excuses for not choosing elimination as the focus of our pandemic strategy.”
Although the inability of Downing Street to grasp reducing the number of people dying prematurely is actually good for the country, at least the French champagne producers are seeing a benefit.
“No fear there. Boris and his chums will personally see that Champagne stays a wealthy wine growing area, regardless of whatever swill they try and push on us from Kent. Maybe we should blame English sparkling wine producers for undermining Brexit? Most of them wanted it. You’d think they’d be able to make a success of it.”
CV-19 was sought for comment in response to being blamed for undermining Brexit, but responded it was “far too busy making hay now that testing is in decline”.
Brexit was similarly reticent to comment, directing all enquires to “My agents at 10 Downing Street – they’ll make a titanic success of commenting on it”. They are after all the ones “entirely responsible for the form I (Brexit) took and the appalling management of the pandemic.”