WHAT DREAMS MAY COME : Rumours are swirling inside, and outside, of a fictional Westminster village today that an imaginary version of famous humanitarian Priti Patel is putting pressure on famous restaurant advocate Rishi Sunak to tax the RNLI.
The completely fabricated rumour, which has no basis in established reality at all, has been dreamed up as a way of wondering how the senior Tory leadership are taking losing yet another culture war struggle?
“You know they’d like to do something about it,” a make believe analyst made believe. “The Woke keep handing them their arses. First hungry school kids, then footballers’ knees and now whether or not it’s right to stop other humans drowning at sea? Maybe a more severe attitude is required?”
It is reasonable to assume it’s certainly coming as a shock to the Johnson administration and its media gobshites to discover (on balance) the Great British public are not as vile as they want them to be, yet.
“Boris Johnson is a famous liberal. He’s liberalised food bank use. He’s liberalised use of racist tropes and denial of use of racism. He’s liberalised xenophobic attitudes to our nearest European allies. Why wouldn’t the liberalising influence of his style of politics influence attitudes to taxing charities who save people? So clearly we’re not talking about Eton, which appears to do the opposite.”
But critics inside the administration are blaming Mr Johnson himself for the ability of the RNLI to display the best possible face of the U.K. internationally.
“If he hadn’t ordered the aircraft carrier off to the other side of the world than we could moor it in the English Channel and the Home Secretary could personally supervise shouting ‘Go Home!’ at people often made refugees as a result of British arms sales. It’s incredibly shortsighted. Especially as the Yanks have now told us to take our big boat and go home ourselves.”
The search is now on in Downing Street for which culture war fight to pick and lose next?
“It’s almost as if the polling which shows altogether the British are progressive, just divided by an antiquated voting system and thus easily ruled by psychotics, is true,” our analyst notes.