FREEDOM OF SHORTAGES : The media has been rabble rousing for days about a shortage of staff in several sectors, but in particular HGV drivers and hospitality staff. Happily Downing Street has worked with the Home Secretary to solve the crisis.
“We’re taking a several pronged approach,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views, “like some sort of super fork. That’s why we’ve called the initiative Operation Fork. We’ve put a fork in hospitality shortages!”
The ready availability of a slogan to promote the fight back, but no actual considered policy detail, will bring cheer to anyone who is unfortunate enough to be worried about closing British businesses.
“Ultimately it’s the responsibility of the great British public who overwhelmingly voted back in 2016 to have hospitality and driver shortages. Some traitors are saying it’s Priti Patel’s fault for ending Freedom of Movement without half a thought to the consequences. But that is wrong. The policy encapsulates her full thinking capacity on any issue, which is exactly half a thought. Which is thus a full measure in her half a pint glass. See? We should all be very proud.”
But critics within the government are said to think Operation Fork is a waste of taxpayer cash which should have gone straight into the pockets of a Tory Party donor.
“This is a problem which will resolve itself if the nanny state just keeps out of it,” Batshit Crazy, Tory MP for Any Constituency, told LCD Views. “It won’t be long before the HGV driver shortage means the hospitality sector closes anyway for want of stock. So why the handwringing over bloody foreigners? That’s not how you make a success of Empire 2.0! You make it a success by doing as we’ve been doing in the pandemic. VIP lane for cash transfers away from the public. Nothing else is an outcome worthy of focus. This is a damning loss of focus.”
Whatever the arguments the PM will still be dressing as a chef for a day sometime in the coming week, now his self isolation is over.
“He’s going to dress as a chef from the Muppets,” the Downing Street source confirms, “the reality of the situation is of no consequence so long as Johnson is enjoying himself. That’s really all that matters, to this government.”