HUNGRY BREXIT : Downing Street has issued a rare plea for compliance on behalf of the Great British public as the consequences of its choices come back to bite.
It’s believed the Prime Minister himself will dress as a supermarket shelf stacker today as reports of shortages of food across the U.K. flood social media.
“He’ll go to his local Sainsbury’s and stack the shelves with those amazing new cardboard shelf fillers that supermarkets are using to show where food used to be,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views.
“It will be riveting viewing. There will be some gags along the way too. It won’t all be hard work. I reckon there’s an odds on chance of a reference to The Peloponnesian War too.”
The cardboard shelf fillers have become a stand out feature of grocery shopping recently as supermarkets attempt to reassure shoppers that there will be adequate food. But to some they look like the chalk outline where a grocery murder occurred.
“It’s important that everyone understands it’s not Brexit that is to be blame,” the source adds, “the Continental HGV drivers were always getting stuck in English villages because they used foreign satnavs. Instead of learning to navigate properly they gave up. It’s nothing to do with Brexit and Priti Patel ending freedom of movement once and for all.”
Additional causes of the food shortages appear to be the NHS app, which keeps telling people to stay home to slow the spread of the virus.
“That is incredibly irresponsible and works contrary to the let it rip policy we’ve adopted, although does help confuse people and muddy our true intentions, I grant you.”
However it’s a hidden flaw in the app which has been called out for doing the most damage.
“Giving people a 10% discount on grocery deliveries if they get pinged has been disastrous. In my opinion we need to spend another £37bn and have Dido redesign it to just be about viruses and not online food deliveries.”