YOU’D HAVE TO BE STONED: The prime minister of the United Kingdom, Boris Johnson, has hit the ground running in efforts to make Brits smile now the pandemic is over.
“He wants to chisel out his legacy,” a curvaceous blonde, claiming to be a Johnson aide, told LCD Views, “most prime ministers make the mistake of waiting till they are near the end of their time to think about legacy. Boris is too smart for that. Look what happened to David Cameron? Danny Dyer has written his legacy, everyone now thinks of Cameron as the twat with his trotters up in a shepherd’s hut shed. Theresa May? OMFG. Such a bonfire. Boris isn’t going to make the same rookie error.”
To avoid others writing his legacy it’s believed Mr Johnson is planning to carve out a symbolic statement that none will be able to ignore.
“The White Cliffs of Dover as so boring anyway,” the aide shrugged, “but once the many faces of Boris are chiselled into them, they will be an unmistakable picture of what happened to the UK in the 21st Century.”
In order to speed construction of the spectacle it’s thought Mr Johnson will declare a state of emergency.
“Gove is right behind the idea,” the aide reveals, “Boris ran into him while he was out jogging. They had a good chat about it. They really looked each other in the eyes, as neither was about to turn their back on the other. Boris said he would make Gove head of the project. Gove agreed readily, although he said maybe Rupert Murdoch should be on the cliff too? But they can settle that later. I don’t think Boris is going to go for that. He’s so many faces, you don’t need anyone else.”
It’s believed the money for the monumental exercise will come from the Brexit dividend.
“Don’t tell anyone, because I can’t vouch for this, but I heard he’s planning a windfall tax on the bank accounts of nurses. He’ll give a symbolic pound back to the NHS, and the rest will be spent constructing Mount Borismore at Dover.”